- To
- Anyone currently writing an essay
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Writing an essay
What to do instead of writing an essay
The essay is 2,000 words and you've written the title, twice, in two fonts. I've printed both. The word count goes up when you add 'moreover'. The deadline comes closer whatever you add.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHBuild a reading list of twenty sources and read only the titles.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out how 'essay' once meant a trial or an attempt, and take comfort.
- TANGENTAlphabetise the bookshelf by the authors' star signs.…because references.
- NEW LIFEBecome a bus timetable compiler, where every arrival time is a polite guess.…because estimated word count.
- FULL ABSURDITYInterview the dictionary about its feelings on the word 'moreover'.…because padding.
P.S. At 11:58pm the library printer gets the whole university at once. Submit online first. Print after.
Also avoiding
- Instead of studying for examsSharpen every pencil to the same length and arrange them by confidence.
- Instead of finishing your dissertationRebuild the bibliography in a different citation style, just to see how it feels.
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.
- Instead of applying for jobsUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.