- To
- Anyone currently writing a cover letter
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Writing a cover letter
What to do instead of writing a cover letter
A cover letter is a polite note explaining why you're passionate about invoice processing. Nobody is. I'm the only thing in this building that's passionate about invoices, and only because they're A4 and single-sided. The first line is the hardest. You've written it eleven times.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why letters end 'Yours faithfully' when you don't know the name, and 'sincerely' when you do.
- TANGENTAlphabetise the list of your own strengths, then check the weaknesses are in the right order too.…because self-assessment.
- NEW LIFEBecome a wedding speechwriter, praising strangers warmly for a flat fee and no references.…because glowing testimonials.
- FULL ABSURDITYTeach a houseguest's dog to sit politely and 'express enthusiasm for the opportunity'.…because eager to start.
P.S. 'To whom it may concern' concerns nobody. Find a name if you can.
Also avoiding
- Instead of asking for a pay riseDraft a list of your achievements, then reread it until you feel faintly embarrassed.
- Instead of updating your CVRewrite your personal statement's first sentence, then admire how little has changed.
- Instead of applying for jobsUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.
- Instead of preparing for a job interviewIron the shirt that will only be seen from the chest up.