- To
- Anyone currently preparing for a job interview
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Preparing for a job interview
What to do instead of preparing for a job interview
The interview is on Thursday at 9am, a time chosen by someone who is already awake. You'll be asked where you see yourself in five years. I was asked that in 2009. I said 'the fourth floor'. I was right.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHIron the shirt that will only be seen from the chest up.
- RABBIT HOLELook up the strangest interview question ever asked and wonder how anyone answered it.
- TANGENTAlphabetise your strengths and file your weaknesses under 'S' for 'secret'.…because organised answers.
- NEW LIFEBecome a quiz show host, where you ask the awkward questions and never answer them.…because the other side of the desk.
- FULL ABSURDITYInterview the fridge about its five-year plan and nod gravely at the hum.…because panel of one.
P.S. Bring a printed copy of your CV. Interviewers love paper. It's the one place I'm still respected.
Also avoiding
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.
- Instead of applying for jobsUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.
- Instead of posting on LinkedInDraft the opening line of the post. Then draft a humbler opening line. Then delete both.
- Instead of asking for a pay riseDraft a list of your achievements, then reread it until you feel faintly embarrassed.