- To
- Anyone currently applying for jobs
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Applying for jobs
What to do instead of applying for jobs
Please upload your CV, then type your CV into the boxes below, then describe yourself in three words. I was asked to describe myself once. I said 'ninety pages a minute'. They went with the shredder. You'll hear back within two weeks or, more likely, from an address that says 'no-reply'.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out how many words in the average cover letter are 'passionate', and how many of those mean it.
- TANGENTReorganise your wardrobe into outfits for interviews you haven't got.…because smart casual.
- NEW LIFEBecome a lost property clerk, where everyone wants something back and nobody has a reference.…because unclaimed applications.
- FULL ABSURDITYInterview the toaster about its five-year plan and its greatest weakness.…because competency questions.
P.S. I've printed the rejection template. It's the same one for everybody. It isn't about you.
Also avoiding
- Instead of updating your CVRewrite your personal statement's first sentence, then admire how little has changed.
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.
- Instead of preparing for a job interviewIron the shirt that will only be seen from the chest up.
- Instead of posting on LinkedInDraft the opening line of the post. Then draft a humbler opening line. Then delete both.