- To
- Anyone currently posting on LinkedIn
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Posting on LinkedIn
What to do instead of posting on LinkedIn
You've been asked to share your journey. Your journey was a bus, and it was late. Everyone online is humbled, honoured and thrilled to announce something. I've been here since 2009 and have never announced anything. I just print other people's announcements, with 'thrilled' in bold.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHDraft the opening line of the post. Then draft a humbler opening line. Then delete both.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why a professional network calls its acquaintances 'connections' and not 'people you once emailed'.
- TANGENTGo through your old work photos and pick a heroic one of you holding a lanyard.…because headshot.
- NEW LIFEBecome a town crier, where announcing things to strangers is the whole job.…because thought leadership.
- FULL ABSURDITYWrite 'I'm thrilled to announce' on a bedsheet and hang it from the window.…because humble brag.
P.S. The draft that begins 'After a lot of reflection' has been in drafts for a fortnight. That counts as reflection.
Also avoiding
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.
- Instead of applying for jobsUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.
- Instead of preparing for a job interviewIron the shirt that will only be seen from the chest up.
- Instead of asking for a pay riseDraft a list of your achievements, then reread it until you feel faintly embarrassed.