- To
- Anyone currently studying for exams
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Studying for exams
What to do instead of studying for exams
My cousin is the printer in a university library. Every May she prints four hundred revision timetables, colour-coded, at 2am. Not one of them has a slot marked 'revising'. Highlighting a page isn't the same as learning it, but it looks like learning, and it gets through a lot of yellow.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHSharpen every pencil to the same length and arrange them by confidence.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why the exam invigilator is called that, and what it has to do with vigour.
- TANGENTPractise holding your breath underwater for as long as the syllabus.…because revision is all about lasting.
- NEW LIFEBecome a cartographer of imaginary islands, where nobody can mark your answers wrong.…because there's no mark scheme.
- FULL ABSURDITYSit a mock exam set by your cat and award yourself a distinction in staring.…because the paper was unseen.
P.S. The library printer would like you to know that 'print all pages' includes the 300-page appendix. She's still going.
Also avoiding
- Instead of finishing your dissertationRebuild the bibliography in a different citation style, just to see how it feels.
- Instead of writing an essayBuild a reading list of twenty sources and read only the titles.
- Instead of updating your CVRewrite your personal statement's first sentence, then admire how little has changed.
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.