- To
- Anyone currently fixing the printer
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Fixing the printer
What to do instead of fixing the printer
PAPER JAM. Sorry. That one's involuntary. There's no paper jam. My toner costs more than I did, which was decided in a building I've never seen. The 'do not use' note on my lid has been there since the restructure. Everyone still uses me.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHSwitch the printer off and on again, then stare at it as if it owes you an apology.
- RABBIT HOLELook up why printer ink costs more per millilitre than most perfume.
- TANGENTSort the recycling into tidy piles of things you will never print.…because paper jam.
- NEW LIFEBecome a bell-ringer's assistant, where one rope gets pulled and nobody asks why it stuck.…because tray two.
- FULL ABSURDITYHand-copy a spreadsheet onto a scroll and present it to the printer as a peace offering.…because it wanted attention.
P.S. Kicking it doesn't help. The site-cabin printer has the boot marks to prove it.
Also avoiding
- Instead of doing your expensesFlatten every crumpled receipt under a heavy book and call it admin.
- Instead of filling in your timesheetWork out how many minutes you spent working out how to describe the minutes.
- Instead of doing your performance reviewReread last year's review for tone, then draft a better opening adjective.
- Instead of writing the quarterly reportDesign the cover page. Three versions. Pick the first.