- To
- Anyone currently doing your expenses
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Doing your expenses
What to do instead of doing your expenses
Expenses need an itemised receipt, a business reason and the cost code, which changed in the restructure. The receipt from the builders' merchant is in a coat pocket, faded to blank. That's thermal paper, from the till printer. He's cheaper than me and he doesn't last. I'd have lasted.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHFlatten every crumpled receipt under a heavy book and call it admin.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out which was the priciest lunch ever served and who split the bill.
- TANGENTCheck the cash machine receipt from last week for fun.…because paper trails.
- NEW LIFETrain as a museum cloakroom attendant, where everything handed over is eventually returned.…because reimbursement.
- FULL ABSURDITYHand a stapler a small bag of lentils and ask it to reconcile them.…because balancing the books.
P.S. I can scan a receipt to PDF in four seconds. Finance will still ask for the original.
Also avoiding
- Instead of fixing the printerSwitch the printer off and on again, then stare at it as if it owes you an apology.
- Instead of doing mandatory trainingOpen the training portal, check the deadline, and close it again feeling informed.
- Instead of tidying your deskTest every pen and retire the dead ones with full honours.
- Instead of clearing your inboxUnsubscribe from one newsletter, then read its farewell message in full.