- To
- Anyone currently going to the gym
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Going to the gym
What to do instead of going to the gym
I print at 1,200 dpi. Last week someone used all 1,200 of them on a gym timetable, in colour, which now lives on a fridge door. Your membership renewed this morning. The people in the gym at 6am aren't happier than you. They're just already there.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHLay out your gym kit, admire it and fold it back up.
- RABBIT HOLEWatch a documentary about the invention of the treadmill.
- TANGENTCarry the shopping home the long way and call it a set.…because reps.
- NEW LIFEJoin a travelling circus as the person who holds the strongman's coat.…because strength-adjacent.
- FULL ABSURDITYArm-wrestle the vending machine for the last flapjack and lose with dignity.…because cardio.
P.S. My warm-up takes forty seconds and HR still times it. Nobody is timing yours.
Also avoiding
- Instead of reading a bookFind a bookmark worthy of the book, then audition three receipts for the part.
- Instead of starting a dietRead every label in the cupboard and rank the biscuits by how much they have to answer for.
- Instead of trying to stop procrastinatingDraft a procrastination-busting schedule and spend the morning formatting its headings.
- Instead of making a to-do listSharpen three pencils to a uniform point, then hunt for a notebook worthy of them.